Reclaiming the Self & Soul, with Kat Polsinelli
Join host Tessa Lynne Alburn and guest Katherine Polsinelli in this raw podcast episode about one woman’s strength and will to overcome her untenable marital situation. “Kat” brings transparency and honesty to the conversation as she reveals her inner world and where she needed to “fake it till she made it.” Following an unexpected divine intervention moment with a client, Kat leapt into the unknown to find herself and her power on the other side.
Tessa’s Free Gift: If you want to reignite your Soul Fire, get your free E-Guide here and Say YES to Your Soul! http://www.tessafreegift.com/
Check it out!
From the mouths of babes: the ultimate wake-up call for a mother
Learning to defy societal expectations
Recovering from people-pleasing
Reclaiming true identity and soul, in the leap to freedom
Finding inner strength for protection of one’s self and their children
Finally letting go of People Pleasing and being honest
Healthy distraction for support along the way
About Kat
Kat Polsinelli is a mother and business and personal development coach. Creator and founder at The Lotus Effect, where success is about cultivating a powerful mindset and creating customized business operations that align with you and your true purpose. Whether it’s mastering time management, improving productivity, enhancing leadership skills, or fostering a growth-oriented mindset, we’ll provide you with tools and strategies to flourish in both your business and personal life.
Connect with Kat
Check out Kat’s podcast, “Real Chat with Kat” or find her on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Instagram: @TheLotusEffectCoach or @KatPolsinelli
Website: www.the-lotus-effect.com
* About the Host *
Tessa Lynne Alburn believes that every woman has the ability to learn to express their true voice, be heard, and fulfill their dreams.
Tessa’s Free Gift: If you want to be freer, happier and more courageous in life, get your free Soulful E-Guide here and Say YES to Your Soul!
As a Feminine Energy Coach and Soul Connection Mentor for women, Tessa supports you in having the freedom you crave and strong connections with others, as you live powerfully with joy and a sense of adventure.
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May You Say YES to Your Soul.
Transcript
Tessa:
Hello, today, I have a lovely guest for you. Her name is
Kat Polsinelli. Kat with a K, by the way, is a business and personal
development coach, podcaster speaker, a mother of two boys, and an overcomer of
eight years of domestic abuse. Ah, so Kat has a passion for seeing others
succeed. Thankfully, she made it through about eight years. She uses her
personal story and the skills that she has developed as a unique way to
approach helping others grow. Well, I am really looking forward to learning
about your personal story and how you help others grow. So, ka you, you
probably have a better sense of where you'd like to begin, but in your, in the
challenge and then over the coming, the challenge so that you could be greater
connected with your soul. Take it away,
Kat:
<laugh>. Well, thank you Tessa, so much
<laugh> for the opportunity. I feel like I've been searching for my soul
on and off <laugh> through many challenges. the first one is actually
getting pregnant at 16. I was the, the straight A student with all the dreams
and aspirations and kind of shattered all that stuff. I did keep my son, he is
now almost 19. And so I, I graduated early, thought I was doing great, clashed
with my parents from old school teaching and also being a teenager who knows
everything, which did land me in an eight year abusive relationship. But
through that relationship, I landed my second son, who is now 15. So I'm very
blessed to have both of my children. And I would definitely say that in the
process of that, you know, I, I don't fit into the typical parameters where,
you know, my family was abusive or there was a history of that.
Kat :
I had a great home. My parents were still together 40
something years later. I had a great upbringing. I just was extremely
hardheaded and I thought that I could fix it. And I also wanted something that
my parents had, which was a family, right? And so I think that that's kind of
what kept me in that situation. What I didn't realize was the emotional abuse
and what that ends up doing to someone and how much it beats them down to the
point of not even realizing who they are or, or what their soul is. Right? You
almost tend to conform to molding into like a secondary person of the person
that you're with. But I can say that through that entire journey, the, the
breaking point for me and, and really realizing that things needed to be
different and I wasn't supposed to be here, was when my kids repeated at the
ages of seven and three, that mommy was the bad guy.
Kat:
Mm-hmm. <affirmative> you know, there was always
arguments and some physical, a lot of more emotional abuse than anything in, in
what, in the relationship that I was in. But hearing my kids repeat what he was
saying to me is kind of where that light bulb moment really clicked. And it, it
made me realize that I, while I could handle what was going on, even though
really I wasn't, I couldn't allow my children to grow up to be like that. And
that's, that's what started the journey in trying. And it took me two and a
half years to get out of that situation. And funny enough, I, I actually worked
for a doctor at the time and I dealt with a lot of patients and I had some I
constantly talked with and chatted with. And I had someone that constantly came
in and I knew worked for the court system.
Kat:
So I was just asking questions after a really bad
altercation at home. And I'm not really sure what happened, but I do believe
that it was divine intervention because I spilled my guts for some odd reason,
which was not very typical of me. And I was forced to make a decision. And I,
what he told me was, is I actually worked for the domestic abuse section in the
court system. And what you've told me means that there is harm to you and your
children. So you can do one of two things. I can take care of this for you and
I can call the police or you can call 'em yourself. And so that
Tessa:
Started night, right then in that moment there you were
just like, bam, it's in my face, I've gotta deal with it now. This is the, this
is the moment. Yep. So how did you, how did you get through that moment? Now
you, I mean, I imagine you must have been scared and like a lot of feelings
going on, right?
Kat:
Oh yeah. The emotions, I, I, I can't even compare it to,
to anything else that, that I've ever been through. You know, there was that
point of fear and there was that point of, oh, I'll just deal with it. And then
once I was kind of hit with this, like, you need to make a decision, it's, it
was extremely overwhelming. But at the same time, there was a, a part of peace,
right? That it was like, okay, like I have no freaking clue what the hell's
about to happen. I was renting a house, I didn't have anywhere to go. I had a
good job. That was the end. And I kind of was like, screw it. And I just took
the leap after bawling my eyes out in the bathroom, <laugh> for a good 10
or 15 minutes before, like really kind of getting myself together and being
like, you know, like, you can do this. Right? And that was definitely probably
one of the scariest moments of my life was stepping into and off that ledge and
jumping into the darkness and hoping right, that I would land on the bottom on
my feet and not break my back.
Tessa:
Yes. Because you had no experience with that, with those
choices, and you had been mm-hmm. <affirmative>, emotionally, mentally
abused for so long. I imagine your confidence, your self-esteem was pretty low.
And then here's this little angel sitting there in the courthouse who's like,
lady, this is your choice. <laugh> <laugh>.
Kat:
Yep. <laugh>. That's, yeah. So you took
Tessa:
That leap Leap. Yeah.
Kat:
Yeah. That was, that was the hardest part. what followed
after really tested my strength, making sure that my kids were okay, were, was
the very first and complete priority. Right. I knew that I had been through
enough and I could figure it out. And so that wasn't my concern. I immediately
reached out to my family, which I had been disconnected with on and off over
the eight years. And I told them what I did and I told them what happened. And
of course they opened me or open arms welcome me back in. I moved into a one
bedroom that they had available at the house with my two kids. They were 10 and
seven. when I, when I got out of it. And it was, it was an interesting journey.
It wasn't what I guess I was kind of thinking, which was, okay, I move out,
he'll be arrested, I'll go to court, and like, that'll be the end because then
I had to prove in court what happened.
Kat:
And then I had to have the testimony. You have to go back
up and tell your story 10 different times it feels like, to all these different
people that like no one believes what you're saying, right? Because they've
heard so many people that have been through abusive situations and it just
feels like you're being completely written off. And to go through that and have
to muster up the courage to constantly retell your story and get people to
believe you was really hard. And then on top of that, dealing with also working
through him, being able to see my youngest one, my youngest one was his
biologically, my oldest one was not. So when we went to court to fight for
custody, hadn't, they could have cared less about my oldest one. That was the
end. He was done. They didn't care. And I was in a weird situation where his
mother had been in the court system for 20 years, so she had a lot of
connections. And I really struggled with that because every time I told my
story and every time I told people and I mustered up the courage to let people
know who I was and what I had been through, it really felt like it was just
constantly being smashed.
Tessa:
Oh, that sounds awful. That would've, you just must be
made of some really strong cloth or something <laugh>, because
<laugh>, I mean, just, just that whole cycle. Yeah. It was very, very
messy. There's nothing easy about going through those sorts of changes in the
whole court system and all, everything that has to unfold, all the unraveling
and the fighting and then the new agreements and all that stuff. And you were
also taking a lot mm-hmm. <affirmative> on a personal level where people
didn't get things. How did you stay strong and courageous through all of that?
Kath?
Kat (08:40):
I would love to say that it was all internal and I just, I
actually faked it. if I'm being completely honest, I faked it through a lot. I
used my kids as my gleaming piece of hope. I knew that I had to do it for them.
Like that was my sole. And then I distracted myself with absolutely anything I
possibly could. I put myself back in school. So I went in an online college to
finish my degree and I went I did that at night while they were sleeping. So
I'd stay up till like midnight doing work to keep myself busy. and then when I
wasn't working 45, 50 something hours a week at a job, I couldn't say no to for
absolutely anything. I was people pleasing to everybody else. So if my parents
needed something, if my sister needed something, if friends needed something,
anything and everything I could do to not have to sit alone with my thoughts is
what I did for the first year of leaving that abusive relationship. And when I
wasn't busy doing that, I was busy making up for all the things my kids and I
never got to do. So we were always going out hiking or they were going to a
swimming hole, or we were doing something so that I could make up for all the
times that we were not allowed to leave the house.
Tessa:
Yes. So a lot of overcompensation, I mean, it, a lot of
those things were good. Right. And it is so awesome that you really were able
to be in that mother role and keep your kids as the most important focus, but
you were also weren't really getting your needs met, so you were doing more
than probably you needed to, but distracting yourself sounds like pretty
healthy ways, but, and all the people pleasing, I'm am curious, a lot of my
listeners tend to fall into the people pleasing mode. So <laugh>, when
did you figure that part out and how did you overcome it?
Kat:
Oh gosh. I would love to say, oh, shortly after that it
took me <laugh>, it took me several years after the first year, getting
close to the first year, I, I started actually having breathing issues at work
randomly throughout the day. And we couldn't figure out what was happening. And
my blood pressure kept dropping. So my doctor was like, you need to go see
someone. I was sent to one doctor, I had to wear a heart monitor for 24 hours.
I actually had to go see a heart specialist. I had a thousand extra beats and a
24 hour period.
Tessa:
Wait a second, wait a second. And nobody
Kat:
Could figure out why.
Tessa:
Like, you, you're not even that old. Like, how old were
you when you were having heart problems?
Kat:
I was, let's see, one year after the, so 28, 29 that is,
oh, I mean, my heart just goes out to you. Like that must have been really,
really scary and intense to be going through that at such a young age, just
from all the stressors. how did you just manage your day to day through that
time?
Kat:
I, funny enough, I learned that if, if I could lean back
in my chair, put my hands on my chest and breathe, it would go away. It just
took a little while, right? And I finally decided, cause I put my kids in
therapy when I first left, but I didn't put myself in it cause I didn't wanna
have the conversation. I didn't wanna talk to people. So I didn't put myself in
therapy after that first year. And that's when I realized that I had anxiety, I
had P T S D and I was, I had been brainwashed. And so that's when everything
was kind of really opened up. And I figured that out because funny enough, I
was actually sitting at work and I was writing out some forms and I looked at
the date and it hit me and I was like, oh my God, I have not dealt with
anything for an entire year and it's my one year anniversary for leaving him.
Kat:
Mm. So all of those emotions came to the surface. Like the
body knew like, you're done. You are safe, you've been away long enough. Like
now it's time to deal with it. and that is when I realized like, holy crap,
<laugh> this, can't I, this isn't gonna work. Right? So I put myself in
therapy and I started working through that, and I started learning breathing
techniques. It took several years to really start building up the confidence to
stop people pleasing. I had to start very small in putting myself first or just
not saying yes to everything. And I didn't at that time know how to say, you
know, no, I don't wanna do this. So I figured out ways around that I would make
up excuses or I would say, yeah, you know, that sounds great, but I've got a
blah, blah, blah, blah.
Kat:
But what ended up happening was, is in, by, by doing that
in such small increments, I was actually building up my own self-esteem and my
own courage to start getting braver and braver and braver till it got to the
point where it was a lot easier to just be like, yeah, you know what? I'm just
not into that. Yeah, I'm sorry. I just can't deal with that. And I have to say,
as, as bad as it sounds, I, I had a, a lady that I worked with that constantly
was complaining and I was always trying to help her, anything I could. And as I
was kind of going through this process, I realized about three months in, like,
you're not doing anything I've told you to do. You're just complaining. And I
had a moment and I just yelled at her and I was like, stop.
Kat:
I was like, you are wasting my time. I was like, I am a
single mother with two kids who just went through abuse that has one home that
just bought her first car at the age of 28. And you're bitching about your
<laugh>, you're complaining about your situation of not being able to pay
your bills. And it's just you, like, I just, I don't know what, I laid it out.
Tessa:
You had enough.
Kat:
And I was like, I, I did. And I, I was like, until you
were ready to actually do something for yourself, I do not wanna hear it
anymore. I then later apologized, but I told her, I was like, I do stand by
what I say, I do not wanna hear it anymore. All you do is complain. And I do
not want negativity in my life because negativity breeds negativity and I'm
tired of it. And that was really kind of the first step into like a piece of
empowerment to be like, oh, I can tell everybody this <laugh>. Oh yeah,
Tessa:
The world doesn't come crashing down. It's amazing. So
there you were and you finally found your voice and you're just like telling it
like it is. That had to feel really, really different than you felt all that,
those number of years.
Kat:
Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, I stood for myself during my
arguments and stuff, but I was always put down and then I always, you know,
kind of second guessed myself and I'm like, okay, well maybe he's right. Like,
but this was totally different. The, it was, I knew what I was saying and I
believed in what I was saying and I knew that nobody could change that for me.
And yeah, that it was very empowering and that was kind of like the start of
propelling me forward, <laugh> in, in starting to really slowly but starting
to stand behind what I believed in instead of what everybody else was saying.
Tessa:
That's so amazing. I love that you just kind of blurted it
out and then you're like, this feels good. I'm gonna keep rolling with it. And
that helped you, that was a healing moment for you, right? And it didn't
necessarily look great. Yeah. Like you apologize and all that, but you know,
you knew some part of you knew that you had the right to say that. So if, if
you were to think about like that moment and you had your opinion and you just
had that certainty, what did that feel like in your body?
Kat:
Hmm. If I had to go back to that
moment, I think it was, it was more of a feeling of this doesn't align. Like,
something in my body was like, this just doesn't make sense. And so it's kind
of like, you know, when people are telling you lies and you're like, ah, I know
that you're lying to me. It was kind of like that. And from there it was this
sense of like, this has to stop. You know? I don't even think I had a had time
to even kind of process the whole thing, but I knew in my heart and in my body
that I, it couldn't keep going this way. And I was tired of being lied to
essentially is what I felt like.
Tessa:
Oh, I love that. Yeah. So you'd been trained to listen to
lies and absorb those for so long, but you, as you were coming out of that,
you're like, oh, I smell that. No, no, no. <laugh>, I'm gonna put
a stop to that BS now. I love it. Yeah. You're a brave ass woman, Kat. I love
how you have just such this fantastic spirit and, and lots of power. There's a
lot of power behind your small frame. You,
Kat:
I appreciate
Tessa:
<laugh>. Okay. So I wanna know if there's one thing
you'd like to leave with my listeners today, a tip or piece of advice on
anything having to do could be a bound around setting boundaries or like
listening to yourself, what would you like them to know?
Kat:
Oh my goodness. The first thing I would say is do not take
everybody's words as your own truth. That would be the first thing. Do not,
because I ingrained so many things that did not align with who I know I am as a
person. And I made those my own truths. So anytime you hear anyone say anything
to you, you need to ask yourself if it's something that really is you and it's
true, or if it's their truth. And I would definitely say that, you know, when
it comes to boundaries, it's not always easy to just up and change it. And why
don't you just stop this? You do have to take very small micro steps to get
yourself in that position. And if that means, you know, in order to tell
someone no, you have to make an excuse or, oh, I just can't find the time on my
calendar and you have to apologize, that's fine. Do that. Because I promise
you, when you start doing that, there is a sense of empowerment that starts to
build and you'll get a little braver and you'll start to talk a little bit more
honest and you'll start letting people know on a different level. But you have
to build up your own inner confidence and courage to be able to get to that
boundary place. It's not something you can just cut off right at the leg and be
like, we are good. It doesn't work that way.
Tessa:
It so does not work that way. And I'm a big fan of the
baby steps, the microsteps nicheing it down, like really getting, you know,
granular so to speak. Like, this is a little baby step I can take right today
or right in this moment because that magic thing just, it just doesn't happen
all at once. There's, it's gotta be embodied, felt, and kind of come out of us
eventually. Yeah, we emerge, right? And you certainly did into a beautiful
woman who's doing great things in the world. I want you to tell people how they
can get in touch with you, Kat.
Kat:
Oh my goodness. So you can find me on LinkedIn, Facebook,
or Instagram at Kat Polsinelli. I'm all over the place. And you can check out
my podcast, real chat with Kat, find me at my website as well, agent Services.
Plus they're gonna be doing some, some rebranding on that. But that's the
easiest way to find me.
Tessa:
Kat, I wanna thank you for being with us here today and
sharing your story and how you said yes to your soul.